The truth of my tummy.

If you couldn't guess already...my blog is not about serious stuff. I know, shocking right? My life actually DOESN'T revolve around donuts and the Olive Garden. (Some of you are thinking "um, yeah it does." SHUT UP, maybe just a little bit.)

However, today I was encouraged when my friend Dana sent me a blog on Crohn's disease, a disease I have. The blog was great, but at first, I was hesitant to read it because almost all the other crohn's blogs I've read just make me feel either:

1) totally disgusted (so much talk about POOP, EW!)
                                     or
2) make me cry/ feel depressed (AH! Horror stories!)

So, I will spare you the gross details or the sob story (...for the most part. I'll qualify that statement by saying this... Crohn's disease is a struggle. Anyone close to me knows how HARD a disease it is and how physically, emotionally, and spiritually it can wreck me. I say this only because I appreciate any and all prayers for healing!)

Instead of lingering on this, I want to write a blog entry to the opposite effect. If you know someone with Crohn's who is experiencing one of those "down in the dumps (pun) days about having Crohn's" maybe this will cheer them up! And for those of you without Crohn's maybe this will make you seriously jealous you don't have it! (ok, probably not, but who knows!)

So I give you:

The 7 PERKS of having Crohn's disease!

1. People with Crohn's can totally get out of having to eat something they don't like!

There is always some type of food restriction for people with Crohn's disease. And it's often changing. That's really the key...it's always changing! One week it's no fruits and veggies, the next we're trying some all natural diet without any processed foods and after that it's no sugar, gluten or dairy.

Whatever it is, people never have a clue what to feed us. So, when we're at someone's house and they're serving some mystery food that smells like day old Indian Food mixed with old lady perfume and everyone around us is struggling to swallow without puking, we can sit pretty and just say:

"Oh, man, you know I'd LOVE to eat some, but I REALLY shouldn't, Crohn's ya know!? DARN!" 

Inside, all crohns-ers are doing an evil laugh/happy dance of victory which continues as we watch those around us struggling to force the food down. THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Yum?

2. People with Crohn's ALWAYS are the "one uppers" when sharing embarrassing stories! And we always WIN!

Girl: "Oh my gosh, LIKE, it was so LIKE embarrassing! I totally tripped LIKE right in front of my date! Worst moment of my life!"

Crohn's person: "Oh really? Well I totally tripped in front of my date..and then on our drive home I had to have him do an emergency pull off cause I wasn't going to make it to a bathroom. Crohn's disease you know. And THAT'S not even the most embarrassing part...."

awkward, stunned silence follows with perhaps a little gained perspective.

Oy Vey!

OWNED. THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

3. People with Crohn's can get out of awkward moments/conversations in a SNAP!

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation so lengthy or so awkward or dull or even sometimes lengthy, awkward and dull (the triple threat) that you would do ANYTHING to get out of it?!? You contemplate just stabbing yourself with the pen you're holding to create some type of diversion. Well, stab no more! What you need is CROHN'S DISEASE!!!

All you have to do is say is... "Ahh, man it is SO GOOD talking with you but YIKES I just need to run to the bathroom, you know my Crohn's disease" you give a light chuckle and then off you go! Problem solved! THANK YOU CROHN'S DISEASE!

4. People with Crohn's get to be "that girl/guy" on long car rides!

See I know what people are thinking when they're placed in my car or I'm placed in theirs for a long car trip... "Great, now we'll have to stop for bathroom breaks like every half hour!" 

Now, rather than feeling bad about this role, we crohn's people need to just learn to embrace it! We need to appreciate the JOY we bring to the people in our car! Why, because of us they get to see the sketchiest rest stops in America! They get to meet some of the creepiest locals in the world (shout out to West Virginia! boosh!) We enrich people's lives! After all it's about "the journey, not the destination" THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Subtle much?

5. People with Crohn's are comforters to others when they have stomach pains...without even trying!

I can't tell you how many people will tell me, "I had the stomach flu last week...totally thought about you the whole time!" How precious! Or, "Man, I had the worst bathroom issues yesterday...I thought this must be Paige's life everyday!" So sweet! While they are suffering, they know they're not alone! They know we crohns-ers understand their pain! And you know what, we didn't do anything, yet we've bonded with them! THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

6. People with Crohn's get to torture their friends by asking what happened in the movie while they were in the bathroom!

It never fails! It's the climax of the movie and my Crohn's is like, "hey! oh you're having a good time? *jab* *jab* *jab*  now you have to go to the bathroom...NOW!" So, I book it out of the movie theater, do my business (or bidness as Beyonce would say) and then hussle back in.

I find my friends glued to the screen, but I'm not going to be polite, HECK NO! Instead..."pissssst, pissssssst, PISSSSSSSSTTT!!! Hey, HEY, HEEYYYY What's going on?!?! I'm so lost." It's not nice, I know, I know, but it does always cause me to chuckle as they update me on the plot in .003 second incriminates...

Friend: "He killed her! He's in jail! The alien is back! Oprah made an appearance!"
Me: "Wait? WHAT?"
Friend: "With a gun! Life without parole! Aliens are multiplying! Oprah looked fat."
Me: "Ok THANKS!!!

And THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Don't hate the talker, hate the Crohn's!

7. People with Crohn's can really freak eavesdropping people out really quick!

So I'm in a deep conversation with someone and then "the eavesdropper" catches the tail end of the conversation. You know the type, lingering around you. They totally miss all body language that suggests "GO AWAY!" Not only do they want to listen to your conversation, but they alway want in on it! That is, until, I start to explain! Honestly, I'm teaching them a valuable life lesson here...mind your own beeswax!

Me to my Friend: "Yeah so it was a rough procedure, but I'm glad it's over"
Eavesdropper: "Wait, what procedure?"
Me: "a colonoscopy?"
Eavesdropper: "What's that?"
Me: "Well, it's a procedure where they take a camera and they............."

Eavesdropper runs away screaming and may require therapy to deal with the mental images placed in his/her head! Lesson learned! THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Yeah, you asked for it mister!

So you see, in any situation there still is joy to be found! Even though it is a pain in the butt (man, I am just racking up the puns today, aren't I?) there are some positives to be found in having Crohn's disease!