I am FED UP. I have endured YEARS of discrimination, unable to be true to my taste buds. When people ask me what my favorite restaurant is I want to be honest. I want to say loud and proud:
"MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT IS THE OLIVE GARDEN!!!"
[snotty, snobby voice] "OMG are you, like, serious??? The Olive Garden??? OMG, like that's not even like a REAL restaurant it's a CHAIN!! Like, they don't even serve REAL Italian food. OMG, like you're just like such a typical, uncultured AMERICAN. I'm like 100 billion times better than you. You should probably crawl off and die somewhere now."
You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. 9 times out of 10 this is the reaction I get. But it doesn't stop there. They always have more to say...
[even more of a snotty, snobby voice, now with increased confidence and conviction] "You know what place I LOVE for good italiano? This tiny place off of (insert obscure road) it's called (insert name I've never heard of) it's family run by a true Italian family the (insert Italian last name). They have the best muuutzeralla and their fettucinay is DIVINE!"
They then stand back with this smug, self satisfied look on their faces letting their words of wisdom saturate the air. I'm left stunned, wondering when the person in front of me morphed into being a food critic, as well as am Italian immigrant. They leave no room for me to disagree. So, feeling defeated, I mumble something like "oh yeah, I've heard of that place (LIE) and I've been meaning to try it (DOUBLE LIE). I just like the, the, the breadsticks at the Olive Garden um but yeah um, yeah you're right, I'm an IDIOT."
I have been so scarred by these interactions that I have just begun lying when asked where my favorite place to eat is. I name that obscure restaurant and when they say "oh I haven't heard of that" then I can be the one on top and say "oh yeah well it's just this tiny place I found, no one's really heard of it, so yeah, um........I'M BETTER THAN YOU"
But you know, I'm not being true to myself. I'm not being true to ignorant, uncultured American me. And it hurts. I need to be who I am. So, I vow to be ashamed no more. Hence forth, I will hold my head high and I will say "My favorite restaurant is The Olive Garden!" And here's why...
1) I love a good deal. Gosh darn it, I do! And at The Olive Garden I can get soup or salad, breadsticks AND a pasta dish for 10 flippin' bucks! 10 FLIPPIN' BUCKS!
2) I LOVE their salads. They are drenched in dressing, with tons of delightful croutons and they refill my bowl for FREE.
3) The breadsticks are amazing too! I know they probably were pre-made, frozen and then thawed. I DON'T CARE. They come to me warm, fluffy and wreck my mouth with enough garlic to bother family members for an entire week following consumption.
4) Don't even get me started on their fettucini alfredo. Maybe I'll even call it "noodles with white sauce" sometime to really make people mad. 2/3 sauce 1/3 noodles. Made entirely of butter, heavy whipping cream and cheese, I can actually feel my arteries clogging with every bite. And I LOVE IT.
Yes, I can go to these obscure, socially acceptable non-chain restaurants. But I WON'T be given bread. If I do get a salad I will have paid separately for it. And my entree will probably have a normal ratio of sauce to noodles and to me, it will have been too dry.
However, I'm not going to stop there with just loving The Olive Garden. I have more to say. You know what? I love ALL chain restaurants!!!!!! You heard me, ALL OF THEM!
-Red Lobster's cheddar bay biscuits. Well, if God is eating biscuits in heaven, I'm confident in saying these are what he's munching on.
-Chili's never ending chips and salsa are the perfect way to chat with a dear friend while nibbling on something delicious.
-Panera, your cinnamon crunch bagels have been there as a celebratory snack in good times and a comfort to me in hard times.
-Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet: I honestly have no words.
So judge me world, I don't care anymore. I love chain restaurants and I won't be silenced!!!
In other news I'm thinking about doing a bible study on gluttony/food as an idol. Thoughts?
So I was reading your blog post and thinking,
ReplyDelete"Wow! Paige has an awesome blog! I'm going to have to link to it."
And then I started thinking about my lack of trips to Olive Garden, and feeling rather left out. My not-so-hungry stomach started grumbling for alfredo-drenched pasta. But I wasn't expecting what came next-- OK, I kinda was expecting it, but--
"I love ALL chain restaurants!!!!!!"
I must say, Miss Moyer, that you have excellent taste.
I reminisce over my time in Burlington, VT, with its many trips to McDonald's for its delicious protein-and fat-filled meat and to Denny's for a new dessert every week. I love going to Wendy's, even more because their burgers are square, and to Chick-Fil-A, which seems to be the number one place in State College for Christian leaders of churches and campus organizations to work, to meet, and to disciple.
But I was most delighted of all when I saw the last item on your list, the "Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet" that has been long absent from my diet and which happens to have a buy-one-get-one-free coupon hanging on our fridge, to the extent that this very morning I made plans with Ehric Haggard and set an alarm in my phone to remind me to go to said buffet this Thursday at lunch time. Ah! the mouth-watering, triangular, meat-and-cheese-covered images that fill my mind's eye!
Thank you for sharing your bold position on the delectable delights of chain restaurants. I bet the snobbish "authentic" restaurant patrons are jealous that you have the strength to admit what they've always known to be true.