Lemme tell y'all 'bout the south

I've been in THE SOUTH for 10 weeks now and since I've never studied abroad, consider this my first experience in a "foreign land".

Yes, Georgia is still part of the United States. 

Yes, everyone here speaks English (kind of). 

Yes, I'm still in a college town!

...but trust me...being in the south....I'm not in Kansas anymore. Well, Pennsylvania...you know what I mean (I just really wanted to use that Wizard of Oz reference.) But in truth, many things are still the same, many things are different, and many things need to change (evil laugh).

And now I'd like to tell you about...

MISCONCEPTIONS OF THE SOUTH

MISCONCEPTION #1: EVERYONE LISTENS TO IS COUNTRY MUSIC AND ONLY COUNTRY MUSIC

As a music lover I had a fear of moving here and being subjected to the tunes of Satan aka COUNTRY MUSIC 24/7! It is the stereotype you know! But praise the Lord I have found that there are plenty of radio stations offering the same radio trashy pop music I'm used to in the NORTH! 

Don't get me wrong there are a ton of deceived people here who like country, but these people also exist in Pennsylvania. So, poor music taste prevails throughout the US...win/win? lose/lose.

I loath, I loath.

MISCONCEPTION #2: EVERYONE IS STUPID

I wish my simple blog post could put this stereotype to rest. Maybe it's just the people I've met, but people are annoying me with how smart they are. Prejudices from society/television told me I was going to have some kind of intellectual edge on these people. Instead, I've recently been confronted with my own limited IQ as I falsely explained the location of the state of Kentucky (true story: it's near Ohio! WHO KNEW?! yeah...everyone except me...shut it!)

Well what do you know!

Give them some credit! People in the south are intelligent, I mean it's not like they're from West Virginia.

MISCONCEPTION #3: EVERYONE HAS A SOUTHERN ACCENT

Well, golly gee, ain't that ther a crazy idear! Now, I can't speak for the rest of the south, but will say that in Athens, Georgia a lot of people speak with a Standard American English dialect, the same dialect found in Pennyslvania (yeah the Speech Therapist in me has been dying to come out!)

A lot of people grew up in cities like Atlanta! And most people from Atlanta and its surrounding burbs don't have accents! What a revelation!

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE SOUTH

HATES #'s 1-101: COCKROACHES

OH. MY. WORD. Cockroaches. Now, in the north, if you see a cockroach in someone's house it's pretty much a sign the place needs to be condemned, torn down, lit on fire, and the ashes disposed of in some black hole.

I can count very few times I saw cockroaches in my childhood. And when I did see them they were small and they didn't induce cold sweats or horror movie-esque screams. 

But in the South! OH. MY. WORD. It's like the heat gave these cockroaches GIANT, UGLY, SUPER POWERS! 

They're HUGE! HUGE I TELL YOU! They're faster, they're harder to kill and the worst part...it's like a normal thing for you to have them in your house from time to time. AHHHHH!!!! You can't escape them! They're in rich people's houses, hotels, classrooms, you name the place a cockroaches are there have some kind of giant, ugly party!

Let me paint you a picture of the first time I saw a Georgia cockroach: 

I'm sitting in my apartment, minding my own business, just chatting with my new roommate Chelsea. It's one of my first few days in Georgia so I'm just getting my feet wet in southern culture. We're mid conversation when Chelsea casually says "Oh, darn look, there's a cockroach" and points behind me.

Picture this next part slowed down like in the movies (cause that's how it felt): (The sound track to this is just my heart beating and labored breathing.) I slowly turn my head. I see...10 feet away from me, climbing up the blinds..............THE BIGGEST FREAKING BUG IN THE WORLD!!! I stand to my feet and do the only natural thing there is to do...I scream BLOODY MURDER. I scream for an embarrassingly long period of time, hands at my face, then holding my hair as if I'm witnessing the most horrific sight in the world (and I AM!).
I won't even go into the killing process...it's just too painful to relive (for me, not the cockroach).

This is pretty much an actual size ratio of Georgia vs Pennsylvania Cockroaches.
PS: Who would ever be a cockroach for Halloween???

HATE #102: EVERYONE CALLS ME MA'AM


I'm sorry but did I age 50 years without knowing it?? Cause last time I checked "ma'am" is reserved for the elderly. At least that's how it is in the north, but here in the south every female is called ma'am, but I hate it!

HATE #103: EVERYONE IS SO FRIENDLY


Ok, I know I'm a jerk for saying this, but can't a girl just go into a grocery store, buy her food and leave without having to have a 10 minute conversation about NOTHINGNESS?!?!

It never fails, I'm in one of those antisocial kind of moods and shopping. I'm in the dairy section just trying to find my favorite yogurt when someone comes up next to me...

Stranger: "Hi there! Are you looking at yogurt?"
My evil thoughts: of course I'm looking at yogurt I'm standing right here STARING AT THEM!
Me: "Yes I am."
Stranger: "Oh me too, you know what's really good?" (*expectant pause*)
My evil thoughts: I don't care. I just want to get my yogurt and get out of here.
Me: "No, what?"
Stranger: "This new Activia blueberry flavored yogurt, it's fantastic"
My evil thoughts: ok, bye!
Me: "Oh really? Oh ok, I'll have to think about it."
Stranger: "well do you like blueberries?"
My evil thoughts: If I just run away then I'll be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: "well, in some things."
...And the conversation continues...

The yogurt of friendship

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE SOUTH

LOVE #1: THE WORD Y'ALL


While I don't use it a lot because I don't think I really pull it off, this word is very functional! Rather than saying "you guys" we northerners should consider embracing the "y'all"!

LOVE #2: THE FOOD


Surprise, surprise I love food! But seriously, goodness, gracious I'm going to roll back for Christmas Break at this rate...the food is incredible. Incredibly fattening, mind you, but incredibly delicious as well! Fried green tomatoes, fried okra! Comfort foods like mac and cheese, fried chicken, dumplings, biscuits, etc.. etc., etc.!!! I'm drooling just thinking about it! Seriously, being here is killing my whole stance on loving chain restaurants, cause the mom and pop places around Athens are LEGIT!!!!!

2,000+ calories of happiness

LOVE #3: EVERYONE IS SO FRIENDLY

You're thinking, what? she just said she hated this...true! BUT, do you ever have those moods where you're out and about and you're just a little lonely and you kinda just want to make that human connection? Well, that's the socially acceptable practice in the south! So reach out to your brothers and sisters and have a chat! HERE'S AN EXAMPLE:


Me at the grocery store:
I'm looking at yogurt and glance next to me an see a sweet elderly woman!
Me: Hi there ma'am! Are you trying to decide on a yogurt too?
A conversation ensues!
My happy thoughts: The south is the best I'll never be lonely again! INSTANT FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THINGS I'M GOING TO CHANGE ABOUT THE SOUTH

CHANGE #1: YEAH, IT'S CALLED A "SHOPPING CART" NOT A "BUGGY"

Buggies are for Amish people, shopping carts are for grocery stores. GET IT RIGHT! (BOOSH!)

Buggy

Not a buggy

CHANGE #2: I WAS TOLD ARMADILLOS CARRY LEPROSY...SURELY, THAT'S NOT OK!

While I'm not against armadillos in general (they are creepy though so I'm not really going to put up a fight if someone commits armadillo-cide someday.) I heard recently that they can carry leprosy! LEPROSY (look it up i'm not joking!) That's so crazy it's almost kinda cool, but more-so sad/weird/dangerous. Let's help these roadkill rodents out!

"I want to be your friend...and kill you!"

CHANGE #3: MASS EXTERMINATION OF ALL COCKROACHES

I know that these awful, awful creatures have apparently been around since prehistoric times and their species has survived for thousands of year...I don't care! I know I'm up against a lot! But my goal is to kill each and every cockroach that exists!!! Men, Women, Children cockroaches will not be safe from me! I will kill them all! One petrified spray with RAID as I stand at a distance screaming at a time!!



On this note, come visit me! ;)

The truth of my tummy.

If you couldn't guess already...my blog is not about serious stuff. I know, shocking right? My life actually DOESN'T revolve around donuts and the Olive Garden. (Some of you are thinking "um, yeah it does." SHUT UP, maybe just a little bit.)

However, today I was encouraged when my friend Dana sent me a blog on Crohn's disease, a disease I have. The blog was great, but at first, I was hesitant to read it because almost all the other crohn's blogs I've read just make me feel either:

1) totally disgusted (so much talk about POOP, EW!)
                                     or
2) make me cry/ feel depressed (AH! Horror stories!)

So, I will spare you the gross details or the sob story (...for the most part. I'll qualify that statement by saying this... Crohn's disease is a struggle. Anyone close to me knows how HARD a disease it is and how physically, emotionally, and spiritually it can wreck me. I say this only because I appreciate any and all prayers for healing!)

Instead of lingering on this, I want to write a blog entry to the opposite effect. If you know someone with Crohn's who is experiencing one of those "down in the dumps (pun) days about having Crohn's" maybe this will cheer them up! And for those of you without Crohn's maybe this will make you seriously jealous you don't have it! (ok, probably not, but who knows!)

So I give you:

The 7 PERKS of having Crohn's disease!

1. People with Crohn's can totally get out of having to eat something they don't like!

There is always some type of food restriction for people with Crohn's disease. And it's often changing. That's really the key...it's always changing! One week it's no fruits and veggies, the next we're trying some all natural diet without any processed foods and after that it's no sugar, gluten or dairy.

Whatever it is, people never have a clue what to feed us. So, when we're at someone's house and they're serving some mystery food that smells like day old Indian Food mixed with old lady perfume and everyone around us is struggling to swallow without puking, we can sit pretty and just say:

"Oh, man, you know I'd LOVE to eat some, but I REALLY shouldn't, Crohn's ya know!? DARN!" 

Inside, all crohns-ers are doing an evil laugh/happy dance of victory which continues as we watch those around us struggling to force the food down. THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Yum?

2. People with Crohn's ALWAYS are the "one uppers" when sharing embarrassing stories! And we always WIN!

Girl: "Oh my gosh, LIKE, it was so LIKE embarrassing! I totally tripped LIKE right in front of my date! Worst moment of my life!"

Crohn's person: "Oh really? Well I totally tripped in front of my date..and then on our drive home I had to have him do an emergency pull off cause I wasn't going to make it to a bathroom. Crohn's disease you know. And THAT'S not even the most embarrassing part...."

awkward, stunned silence follows with perhaps a little gained perspective.

Oy Vey!

OWNED. THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

3. People with Crohn's can get out of awkward moments/conversations in a SNAP!

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation so lengthy or so awkward or dull or even sometimes lengthy, awkward and dull (the triple threat) that you would do ANYTHING to get out of it?!? You contemplate just stabbing yourself with the pen you're holding to create some type of diversion. Well, stab no more! What you need is CROHN'S DISEASE!!!

All you have to do is say is... "Ahh, man it is SO GOOD talking with you but YIKES I just need to run to the bathroom, you know my Crohn's disease" you give a light chuckle and then off you go! Problem solved! THANK YOU CROHN'S DISEASE!

4. People with Crohn's get to be "that girl/guy" on long car rides!

See I know what people are thinking when they're placed in my car or I'm placed in theirs for a long car trip... "Great, now we'll have to stop for bathroom breaks like every half hour!" 

Now, rather than feeling bad about this role, we crohn's people need to just learn to embrace it! We need to appreciate the JOY we bring to the people in our car! Why, because of us they get to see the sketchiest rest stops in America! They get to meet some of the creepiest locals in the world (shout out to West Virginia! boosh!) We enrich people's lives! After all it's about "the journey, not the destination" THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Subtle much?

5. People with Crohn's are comforters to others when they have stomach pains...without even trying!

I can't tell you how many people will tell me, "I had the stomach flu last week...totally thought about you the whole time!" How precious! Or, "Man, I had the worst bathroom issues yesterday...I thought this must be Paige's life everyday!" So sweet! While they are suffering, they know they're not alone! They know we crohns-ers understand their pain! And you know what, we didn't do anything, yet we've bonded with them! THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

6. People with Crohn's get to torture their friends by asking what happened in the movie while they were in the bathroom!

It never fails! It's the climax of the movie and my Crohn's is like, "hey! oh you're having a good time? *jab* *jab* *jab*  now you have to go to the bathroom...NOW!" So, I book it out of the movie theater, do my business (or bidness as Beyonce would say) and then hussle back in.

I find my friends glued to the screen, but I'm not going to be polite, HECK NO! Instead..."pissssst, pissssssst, PISSSSSSSSTTT!!! Hey, HEY, HEEYYYY What's going on?!?! I'm so lost." It's not nice, I know, I know, but it does always cause me to chuckle as they update me on the plot in .003 second incriminates...

Friend: "He killed her! He's in jail! The alien is back! Oprah made an appearance!"
Me: "Wait? WHAT?"
Friend: "With a gun! Life without parole! Aliens are multiplying! Oprah looked fat."
Me: "Ok THANKS!!!

And THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Don't hate the talker, hate the Crohn's!

7. People with Crohn's can really freak eavesdropping people out really quick!

So I'm in a deep conversation with someone and then "the eavesdropper" catches the tail end of the conversation. You know the type, lingering around you. They totally miss all body language that suggests "GO AWAY!" Not only do they want to listen to your conversation, but they alway want in on it! That is, until, I start to explain! Honestly, I'm teaching them a valuable life lesson here...mind your own beeswax!

Me to my Friend: "Yeah so it was a rough procedure, but I'm glad it's over"
Eavesdropper: "Wait, what procedure?"
Me: "a colonoscopy?"
Eavesdropper: "What's that?"
Me: "Well, it's a procedure where they take a camera and they............."

Eavesdropper runs away screaming and may require therapy to deal with the mental images placed in his/her head! Lesson learned! THANK YOU CROHNS DISEASE!

Yeah, you asked for it mister!

So you see, in any situation there still is joy to be found! Even though it is a pain in the butt (man, I am just racking up the puns today, aren't I?) there are some positives to be found in having Crohn's disease!