The Liz Lemon Project

I have a theory that I've been wrestling with for a while. It appears as though I am not actually unique. There’s more than one of me. You see, I may actually be... Liz Lemon of the TV show 30 Rock. I know, a crazy claim to make and since I’ve just finished working on my thesis so much I decided that if I'm going to make such a hypothesis, I better test it in a formal, scientific manner so I give you...THE LIZ LEMON PROJECT.

METHOD AND PROCEDURES:

- gather field information on Liz Lemon by watching episodes of 30 Rock

- record significant “Liz Lemon-isms”

- compare Liz Lemon qualities to personal tendencies and preferences

RESULTS:

LIZ LEMON-ISMS	PAIGE COMPARISON
Liz has terrible posture. “Shoulders back Lemon, you’re not welcoming people to castle Frankenstein.”	I have terrible posture and briefly acquired the nickname “Hunchy” during the summer of 2004 (I’m currently slumped over writing this)…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Takes up something very passionately for 2 weeks…and then quits.	I present to you…my build your own doll house, my latch hook rug, my Spring 2010 gym membership, my Fall 2010 gym membership, my morning jogging regimen, my keep my room clean oath of 2008, the list goes on and on…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Accidentally dates extended family members “What level cousins would we have to be for this to be ok?” “Fifth” “Unacceptable no matter what”	As far as I know I’m in the clear on this one. However, I did attend senior prom with my dear friend Chris SchMOYER. Which is a little suspicious. Point “I’m my own person”
Was rejected by not one, but two men who later went on to clown college	So far no, but we’ll see, we’ll see the direction my love life takes… Point “I’m my own person”
Belts out show tunes while working…unashamed.	“THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW GOTTA FINISH THIS PAPER AND IT WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” “WINGS WITH RANCH, AND 2 HOUR DELAYS, THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS”…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Cries uncontrollably when overtired	Oh how I wish it wasn’t so…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Attended college on a partial competitive jazz dance scholarship	Sadly no, no I did not…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Lover of donuts. “I’ve eaten 3 donuts today and I’m not proud of it”… “I lied earlier, I’ve eaten 5 donuts today”	Please refer to my previous blog entry entitled “In pursuit of donut”…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Once threatened to kill people if they didn’t return her sandwich	I’ll give you one guess…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Makes obscure and incorrect sports references. (When seeing someone holding a basketball) “Got the old leather pumpkin there don’t ya”	This is a specialty of mine. If need further proof I present these gems: “Who’s Evan Royster?”, “Ohhhhh, will he be traded to the Buffalo Bulls?”…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Isn’t concerned about getting drinks bought for her..would rather have food. “That guy wanted to buy you a drink…do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks”	Samsies. I mean I can’t drink, but even if I could I can’t see myself passing up some mozzarella sticks for any drink… point “I am Liz Lemon”
Throws parties enthusiastically “There ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party ’cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!”	I try not to make mine mandatory when I can avoid it, but I do enjoy throwing a themed party every now and again…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Reads the paper. “That’s right, I read the paper, I’m better than you.”	Alas, I do not. I remain uninformed and uncultured. I don’t think cnn.com counts…Point “I’m my own person”
LOVES, LOVES, LOVES HAM!!!!! “I'm a star. I'm on top. Somebody bring me some ham.” “What's wrong, Lemon? When I see you chew your nails like that, it's either you're very anxious, or you handled some ham earlier.	I love ham!!!! Not shocking, it’s food. But I’m extremely passionate about ham being better than turkey (not health wise, mind you, just in taste). I prefer a honey baked ham glaze although a peppered ham every now and again is quite enjoyable…point “I am Liz Lemon”
Liz’s description of her perfect man: “I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I’m watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I’m old. And that’s what I want.	Honestly, it was this quote, that actually gave me the revelation that I am not my own person. I love musicals, I love lost, Strip clubs are disgusting, you best be nice to your mama, I’m so lazy when it comes to emptying a dishwasher, and who doesn’t like Disney prince physique?…point “I am Liz Lemon”
RESULTS	12 I am Liz Lemon 3  I am my own person …I AM LIZ LEMON

So there it is, I am not unique, I am Liz Lemon. Case Closed.

mmmmmm better than turkey.

In pursuit of donut

My life revolves around two things and two things only....Jesus...and pastries. I'd like to tell you that it's always those two things, but sometimes my entire life only revolves around obtaining and consuming large quantities of pastries.

mmmmmm

Something unspeakable occurred a few days ago. I had to go on a 36 hour fast.  No food. No pastries. Just awful. However, around hour 20 of no food and no pastries I devised an incredible plan. I would immediately eat a donut following the 36 hour fast and procedure. Suddenly, there was hope and purpose in my life again.

As I waited for my procedure to begin I thought to myself "when I wake up...there will be a donut" all was right with the world.

As the anesthesia wore off I could barely open my eyes, but I knew that I was allowed to eat. So I called for the nurse. I asked her if she could get my mom. You're thinking, "how sweet, she wants her mom." think again. My mom had the donut. The second my mom came in I stretched out my arm, eyes still closed and said, "donut, please, the donut"

I still hadn't regained all my motor control so holding the donut was an obstacle I hadn't anticipated. I missed my mouth, quite a few times actually. However, my goal was achieved. I ate the donut. It was more magical than I had even imagined. I devoured it in less than a minute.

Then, my mom reached a new stratosphere in the great mom category. She told me she had another donut and asked if I wanted it. Could there be a better mom? The answer I gave....yes. So, I consumed another donut this time while talking with a doctor, still completely out of it. Glaze all over my face. Making comments while chewing with my mouth open.

I felt very happy with myself. And then...............

....I started to feel not so happy with myself. Not happy at all. In fact, I felt nauseous. Very nauseous. And then......I threw up. I threw up again and again and again. And my thoughts during this "why? why? why did I eat the donut! Why did I eat TWO donuts? Why have you forsaken me...donuts?"

Life lesson: A person shouldn't pursue or worship a donut.

Dilemma: Writing this post has made me hungry for...none other than...a donut.

No gifts for you

I love my mother. And she is hilarious. I give you her latest quote:


Me: Hey, what am I getting for christmas?

Mom: You? I'm not even spending the money on coal this year.


Classic Mom.

No.

Just a Loser

I have a confession. I have a problem. And I can't stop...

...everytime I watch the Biggest Loser...I end up eating cookies.

I know, I know, it doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't a normal person refrain from eating cookies while watching a weight loss show? For one, wouldn't I see that those people probably made it to their obese state by making similarly poor choices like consuming large amounts of cookies? Or secondly, wouldn't I be so personally inspired by their pursuit of healthy eating and exercise, that I would I only crave carrot sticks? You would think, but no.

Instead, my mind works like this...

"Oh, look, geez they are working out really hard aren't they? Oh man, that looks tough....you know what, I bet right about now they'd really love a cookie....hey, you know what...I really want a cookie....I think I'm going to get a cookie." [Paige gets up and retrieves cookies] [Paige consumes said cookies]

 

mmm cookies of shame

Well, it looks like I've got a blog...

What will this Blog entail?
Hmmm I don't know... most likely...
1. Ranting about unimportant and trivial things
2. Publicizing of foods, music, places, and people I love to an unhealthy level!
3. Bachelor/Bachelorette commentary when it returns in January.
4. The occasional serious subject, I'm sure

I'm excited. Once I click post...I'm a blogger!